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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Heartbreak...

...we've all been there...
We've felt it - that wrenching deep within your gut - it rocks your soul like the pounding tremors of an earthquake, shaking you to your core.  It is an inexplicable feeling, one leaving you with shattered remnants you feel as if you'll never piece back together.  It's volatile.  The world darkens around you and you are melancholy, encased in an entrapment of palpable loneliness.  I have certainly felt my fair share of heartbreak in my life, some more meaningful and extraordinary than others, yet the feeling always resonates the same deep within my soul, rocking my ability to reason sensibly and I'm left with the overwhelming task of moving on.  How can I be expected to move on when every fiber of my being is focused upon the tattered pieces of my broken heart?

With that said, I find that it's easy to confuse being devastated with being heartbroken.  In my opinion, you can be heartbroken AND completely devastated, but you can be devastated and not always heartbroken.  For instance, I was devastated when I had to spend a night away from my newborn baby son when he was a mere 4 days young, but I was most recently heartbroken when I lost my job. 

Teaching is my passion.  It is my heart.  It is my soul.  While my lifelong dream was not always to be a teacher, it is something that has been ingrained within me since adolescence.  Both my parents and both of my maternal grandparents were educators, so I guess you could say it's programmed into my DNA; it's in my blood and it runs deep...very deep.  To me, they are my heroes, education superstars who always taught me the values of education.  Because of them, I had a love of reading and writing from an early age and developed an unquenchable desire for learning, as well as a great interest in art where I have been able to fully express my creative personality.  I have always known that I want to work with children in some capacity, but never anticipated how rewarding and completely fulfilling it could actually be.  I love helping each student develop a firm foundation of knowledge and the same love of learning that I've always held near in order to capitalize on his/her individual strengths and learning styles.  I have high expectations for all students and feel that I provide the support necessary for them to achieve within a nurturing environment that promotes respect, responsibility, and a positive attitude.  I've even made it my own personal education philosophy to continue to think and rethink, enabling myself to constantly create new visions that will hopefully stimulate students' imaginations, create a community of learners, celebrate teaching that ensures transgressions, and enhances the optimization of the growing mind.  After these past several years as an educator, one of the most rewarding experiences I have encountered within the classroom is simply seeing students' eyes light up.   To see my students of all abilities grasp the concepts we are working on, encourages me to continue to challenge them above and beyond with the content at hand.  Solidifying a community of learners that creates new visions and stimulates imaginations to maximize upon greatest potentials is my idea of success in my career.

Thus is why I am completely heartbroken.  How can I be expected to pick up scattered, shattered pieces of years and years of a career that I have wholeheartedly adore?  To think that this could be slipping away is crushing to my soul.  I have yet to get a new job and thus, I have yet to move on.  The heartbreak is still there...the wound is still just as fresh as it was 3 months ago when I was told I was pink slipped with no reason or explanation to justify it whatsoever.  No questions have been answered, no hurt feelings have been rectified and thus nothing has vindicated.  I am still just as shaken as I was.  I am still just as lonely inside as the day it happened.  Teaching had become my whole world; it defined me, and now I feel as if I'm an alien on this planet.  Where do I go?  What do I do?  What defines me now...besides my family?  How am I supposed to wake up in the morning and go about my day if I have no idea who I am anymore as a career woman or what else in the world I should do with my life?  There is no other career that could define me like being a teacher does...nor do I want one to.  I absolutely love it and I am 100% certain that no other job is more rewarding or more fulfilling.  Thinking of doing something else completely sickens me, yet I feel that that is where I currently stand.  I have to do something. 

Truth be told, I have reached out to every possible resource, ventured down many a path, and knocked on every door that I feel could lead to me to continue with a job in education, to no avail.  People constantly tell me to have faith that it will work out and God will never give me something that I cannot handle.  While that sounds amazing, I must admit that I am having trouble seeing the light at the end of this tunnel or keeping the faith when I've had nothing to give me hope or keep the light burning in my soul, nor mend the pieces of my broken heart.  It is easy for someone to say that to me when they're not in my shoes.  That statement alone is almost more defeating and belittling than losing my job.  What you must know is that our reality is I have only 3 more paychecks until we lose one of our incomes and only 3 more paychecks until Jack and I lose health insurance.   How do you keep the faith then?  How do you NOT think worst case scenario?  While I'd love nothing more than to stay home with my insatiably incredible son, one income is not enough...it is simply not feasibly in the cards for us.  Sadly, I may have to move on to a new job as time is closing in on us and that is heartbreak that I am sure, will never fully mend.  I want to be a teacher more than anything and want to continue to inspire kids as they inspire me.  Besides my family, teaching is my life and I'd like to keep it that way and finally piece back together this heartbreak for good.     

 

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