Wednesday, July 17, 2013

I Call Foul - Beach Edition

As you may or may not have noticed, the Thomas family hit up the beach last week.  It was delightful in Destin and I am reeeeeeally wishing I wasn't back in reality.  Jack had his first real vacay, first plane ride, and first time at the beach and in the ocean, but more on that later (different post, different day).

This is about some things in which I must declare as a fellow American that are absolutely foul.  Like, we seriously need to get it together.  What in the world are some of us you thinking as we you step out onto the beach in socks with sandals or bucket hats?  Is it the 1990s again? Because I need to bust out out my clear glitter belts and sparkly eye shadow with platform flip flops and butterfly clips for my hair, if yes.  Now, judgments aside, these are just some beach DOs or DON'Ts as I observed in my week of relaxation alongside the warm gulf shores of Florida.  

1) BIKINI CONFIDENCE: Some of you have waaaaaaay overshot this.  Now, I am fully cognizant that this gal (as in me) is in no way beach body ready, but I ATTEMPT to dress accordingly in tankinis and such to shade the world from my still existent post-baby body.  It's not what it once was and I have no excuse for it...and I do not feel confident enough to subject it to the world.  Some of you could stand to take a cue from the same page.  Now, I am allllllllllll for the rockin' confidence and believing in yourself.  Seriously,  love it.  Go girl!   But if you weigh over 250, I'd say a string bikini is pushing it a bit far.  Or, if you are that weight, a Muumuu is not all you're limited to either.  If you're riddled with cellulite (hey, we ALL have it!) or stretch marks...find a way to compliment them.  These are your warrior marks of a life fulfilled.  I say rock those things out, but please do so in an appropriate way! Find what works best for your bod and get it to the beach, but please, be cognizant of your all your many offerings of goodies.  Ain't nobody got time for allllll that.  And ain't nobody wants to see your cookies or your over, overlaying of clothing articles.  
see my commentary about this in the pic below.

Honey, I love what you did what a tankini there, but those shorts in no way do you justice!  I watched you walk to and 'fro the water and well, you have some good lookin' legs and a normal bottom would've elongated them and thus slimming you in the process.  Be confident...well, aside from your little friend picking her wedgie there.  
Now this woman?  Perhaps a bit too much confidence.  While I admire her belief in herself, I do wish she'd of been a bit less obvious.  I wasn't the only one who noticed.  Believe me...errrrrybody was talking about this fine and fancy femme.  And the not so coinciding gold sparkle cowgirl hat?  Yikes.  This was just all. over. the. place.

watch that wedgie, girl-fran!

2) DUNLAPS: Fellas, I implore you: please and I mean puhhhhhleeeeease find you some drawls that fit, or stay up.  Ya belly dun lapped over yo belt.   Get that shadoob together, bro.  Cover up, wear a something! No one wants to see your belly hanging down inches below your belt line while your booty crack absolutely screams to get an unwanted gander from behind.  Plumber's crack, in any way shape or form, is not permitted on the beach.  Yikes and yuck.  Again, ain't nobody got time for that!

3) GOLD CHAINS: While super duper fancy, these do NOT up your Mafia cred.  They have me wondering about your heat intake and if you should fancy a glass of water before you spontaneously combust under the heat lamp that is your shiny (faux) gold chain.  

4) SAND: It CAN and WILL get everywhere.  And I do mean errrrrrywhere!  Like, I walked up outta the ocean with a full on doody log in my eyelit bottom because sand was let in.  It was not a pretty (nor comfortable) sight. Be cognizant of your day's activities and whether or not your active wear can sustain the conditions.  I call foul on myself for not realizing that these "eyelits", while fashionable, are not meant for sitting alongside the sandy shore.  They were gaping windows to my nether regions and well, showering wasn't fun after that either, if you catch my drift. 

5) SPEEDOS: should only be worn if resemble somewhat of an Adonis.  Oh, you have a dunlap or dickydoo?  Welp, tough break.  See #1 above.  
It must be said that my parents spotted this fancy lad sunning himself oh so prettily while on their recent vacay.  I find it QUITE special, indeed.  Again, his confidence is admirable, but dude...get it together!

6) TATTOOS: Get them spelled correctly.  Like, for real though.  I reeeally do not think this warrants an, it's seriously NOT needed.  You should know this.  Real talk.

7) PLEASE DON'T HOLD YOUR NOSE: as you go under water.  You just look stupid.  Grow a pair and jump on in.  If you learned anything in swim lessons as a 3, 4, or 5 year old, it was to BLOW BUBBLES.  BLOW. THAT. SHADOOB. OUT.  You will not die.  And water up your nose is not the worst thing in the world if you know how to swim. Duhhhhhhhhh.  It's that easy.  Boom.
8) CARTS: A cart twice the size of what you'd find at SAMs or COSTCO is NOT necessary for all your stuff.  And watching you wheel it down to the beach?  Wowza.  Worth it?  Jury's out.  I just felt super sorry for you.  Whatta workout!  And then watching it sit unattended to and untouched during your hours long jaunt with the fam on the beach?  Those toys and all that stuff just left with nothing to do or enjoy?  Ouch.  Alllllll work, no play...

9) GUY TRAMP STAMPS: Guys with them?  No.  Just....NOOOOOO.

10) DRESS APPROPRIATELY: Children are present.  Please.  Put ya clothes on.

 Well, and this must be shown again...
Again, you need some clothes, hunny-bunny

11) HATS:  Sparkly ones...for real? Is it Club DiscoBeach?  While I am alllllll for head protection and adequate sun protection, be cognizant of what you're wearing, where you are, and how stupid you may or may not look.  For instance, a beach-straw-cowboy-tophat hybrid or a visor-straw-oversized something or other should both just stay at the house tucked away in a dark closet where it belongs.  Thanks.   

I see you there, Miss Sparkles hat...

Oh and super brim visor?  Yikes.

Bucket hats on men?  On women?  Basically on anyone over the age of adolescence?  No...just NO.

This is the straw-cowboy-top hat hybrid and well, I CALL F-O-U-L...I seriously could NOT get over its ridiculousness.  The pics do not do it justice.  She looked silly and I couldn't quit staring and trying to figure it out, but that's my opinion (obvi).

12) BE YOURSELF: Seriously.  Cowboy...Jersey Boy...Guido...Model type...sporto-type...Preppy...Speedo-Guy...Adonis...whatever, just pick a persona that fits your personality and stick with it or else you just look a hot mess.

This guy was alllllll over the place.  The hat says preppy, southern-boy sports fan; while the shirt says worker-outer, muscle dude Guido type drink protein shakes and Muscle Milk all the time meat-headish; but the belt buckle screams cowboy; and the jeans look model-like...and then we get to the Sperry's on the feet which are again, preppy.  Don't get me started on the neck wear...what is that?  Seriously...he was a HOT MESS.  All. over. the. place. Dude, pick one and go with it.  I'm happy with whomever you choose as long as you are, but as long as you're dressing like this, you'll never be satisfied with yourself and thus, no will some fancy little lady.  

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