Sunday, June 30, 2013

You...yes YOU, you're a FAKE.

Yup, I said it...a F-A-K-E, fake, fake faker.  You are phony...full of it...and well, I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of the apparent deceitfulness.  THAT disgusts me.  I thought (and still think) you're better than that. Make no mistake about that; I DO think you/ you're good people; I just think you are not being truthful with me at all.  That little phone call the other day and lack thereof on all the other accounts just solidified it all.  At this point I figure I've got nothing to lose and nothing to hide.  I'm over it all and I'm over you right now.  Most of you, actually.  How can some of you look at yourself and feel happy about what you see, knowing what happened and how I was not even considered?  I thought we were friends?  Furthermore, how can you LIVE with yourself knowing how things played out?  Seemingly, you've lied, you've cheated, and you've manipulated people to get what you want.  You're playing the politics game here people and folks, you're playing it well.  Quite well in fact.  Well done.  Deceitful little pigs is about the nicest compliment I have for some of you right now.  And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  You're welcome.  And you?  Most to all of you?  Always with the, "I got your back, Abby"; "You have nothing to worry about"; "I'm with you"... bump that notion.  Matter of fact, bump you altogether. Shove it all right up that lying, full of doody booty you got going there (if there's still room with all of it you're full of).  Admittedly stupid of me, I trusted you.  I confided in you.  I put ALL of you on a pedestal above all the rest.  I thought so very, very much of you...all of you. I had your back...always did.  Now?  Game over.

Don't you see?  Don't you get it?  I know things. A lot of things. I have secrets I've kept because I respected you.  I have a secret that I never divulged TO ANYONE because I loved you all so much and well, because it was uncomfortable, awkward, and embarrassing on all accounts.  Beyond that, you've talked to me about what "supposedly" recently happened (as in a few days ago)... but you've also talked to others and guess what?!?  They've told me what you've told them!  I'm not stupid.  In the past, many/ all of you were there for me in a time when I needed people the most which is what earned you my utmost respect... but that changed in an instant.  It's done.  Thanks for that, but no thanks.  I'd rather of had none of it if this is where it leads us now. And over what?  Something I had no fault in whatsoever...(and yes, you absolutely know what I'm alluding to).

Never the one to keep my mouth shut when I'm being or have been screwed, I'm certainly not shutting up now.  You need to know that not only did you HURT me...you PISSED me off and I HAVE to do this to move forward.  Well, truthfully, you crushed my spirit...you crushed my soul.  Furthermore, you've crushed my passion, you've crushed my ability to trust and have faith, and you've crushed me altogether.  I contemplated doing deplorable things to myself because of your deceit...which angers me.  No one should make ANYONE feel that way. Happy now in knowing that?  You must know though, that you don't get the luxury or satisfaction of moving on with your life without me speaking my peace...especially in light of that most recent revelation. Much like grief, I'm going through stages.  First was indescribable sadness, now it's ANGER. This may be what you wanted out of me: a rise...well here it is and then some, so wipe that shadoobie eatin' grin off your face and get over yourself.  You're no better than the person you consistently ranted about hating throughout the past year.  Matter of fact, you may be even worse.  At least it wasn't always hidden with he/she.  And if you think you are?  Please enlighten me how.

What you must know as I pause to reflect: I'm cognizant that I'm no perfect individual, never claimed to be in any sense of the term.  I have lied.  I have cheated.  I have done more things that I can count that I am not proud of.  I've made plenty of mistakes, but the thing is, I've learned from them.   Not all, but many.  See that's the thing about mistakes, you learn from them and you don't make them again or else they're a choice from then on.  For God-sake, please DO learn from mistakes...you owe it to society.  I beg of you!  Oh, you don't make them?  Well I'll be damned, I had absolutely NO clue that I was in the presence of such divinity.  I apologize for not bowing at your feet each day.  Also know that I'm cognizant of being fake in more ways than one over the course of my life, but many gut-checks with reality have lead me to be truer than true with most of you in my life for a while now.  I've grown up and learned quite a few lessons (especially about what battles to fight) along the way.  I am by no means perfect...my flaws paint the canvas that is my soul, but if I have a problem, I'm most likely to let you know; if I don't like you, I don't pretend to be friends; I don't have time or energy for that.  Never have.  It's that simple.

Why haven't you adopted the same mantra?  Why waste time on people that don't matter to you?  It gives false impressions and hope.  Newsflash: you're in your thirties...oops, my bad, forties, some of you - you should know how to treat people accordingly. I'm happy you have deep relationships with each other, and I'm happy you supported me and welcomed me with open arms initially...but don't suddenly cut someone out because of reasons unbeknownst (well, not unknown to me) to them and repeatedly post pics of you doing so.  It feels like high school (not me in high school, I had a blast then, so don't get me wrong on that ... but you catch my drift) and you're twisting a knife and pouring salt into an open wound.  It sucks and it's incredibly hurtful.  Don't worry, though, I continue to have my fun frequently and have my indulgences on many occasions and jump at the chance of having a great time when the timing is right, but it's certainly no longer the absolute core of my being, like it seems to be yours. Having friends and having fun is absolutely beyond amazing...but so are other aspects of life.  And so are TRUE friendships.  TRUE friends don't lie to each other.  TRUE friends are just that: TRUE...they tell each other the truth no matter what the outcome may be...because if you're truly TRUE friends in the first place?  The truth is always best.  You acted like a TRUE friend who had my back.

Now I see you do not, nor did you ever.  But why the facade? Why lead me on to think I had your support?  If I did, we wouldn't be where we are today.  You would've had me called the other day.  Ya know...last Wednesday/ Thursday when I obviously WAS NOT present?  You would've asked where I was and pushed for me to be there, if YOU really cared.  You KNOW I deserve it.  You KNOW I am exceptional at that.  Yet, you didn't even think of me.  Wow, that cuts and that cuts deep.  It speaks absolute VOLUMES, actually.  You would've had my back like TRUE friends do.  I guess the fact that we really aren't friends is truer than true, at this point.  I guess you could say you are a true friend because you did make sure to have the ones you consider up in there...you just aren't to me.  It's just mind-boggling to me that I wasn't even considered at all.  I mean...WOW.

Which brings me to my point of today.  I have recently been so deceived by YOU...you phony...you faker, that my course of life and mantra altogether is changing and evolving as we speak.  Congratulations, you have finally burned the dwindling flame of my passion altogether.   I'm broken...so broken.  Really, so incredibly, unbelievably crushed and broken.  You/ some/ all of you had the audacity to act as if you were by my side when you were seemingly working against me all along.  Couldn't you/ some/ all of you have just admitted it from the get go instead of getting my hopes up?  Couldn't you have just told me you actually did not have my back and would rather build up someone else...someone far closer to you?  I'd still respect you now, if you had. I really appreciate the truth.  I mean, you looked me. IN. MY. EYES. and lied.  In light of these recent events?  Hell no, I DO NOT respect you.

And here's the bombshell, our friendship ended a while ago, yes?  And it's been a facade of fakeness and phoniness since?  That's when the invites and inclusion stopped, so that's my assumption.  Matter of fact, it came right around the time that one key member of your inner circle did something and said some things that were despicable.  And then claimed it to be a joke?  I saw it as NO joking matter.  Embarrassing, yes, but I was willing to move on (admittedly begrudgingly) since you asked me to and had apologized in the sake of mistakes and the sake of friendships because I adored you and who you'd been to me up until that point.  If a grudge is indeed being held towards me still because of that... why?  I did absolutely nothing wrong, but tried move on to somewhat of a normalcy and comfortable, cohesive environment as you requested...instead, I get tortured with being left out and treated differently.  Amazing how things work out.

Now, if you'd like to enlighten me and know this is intended to one and/ or all of the several of you, hit me up.  Please do. I really do not know who is at the center of it, but someone/ something is churning the wheel.  I'd be more than happy to hash it out or get to the root of it all. I tried giving you the benefit of the doubt that day I finally got one of you on the phone, but true to form, you lied again.  Maybe over the phone, but your fakeness was palpable.  I was NOT buying it.  Don't for a minute think I did. So...call me, let's chat...let's get it all out on the table.  I mean, what do you or I have to lose at this point?  And here's the kicker, I'm not ashamed of what I have to say and can face reality of what you have to say.  I'd just be more than obliged to hear what YOU have to say for YOURSELF.  I have an open canvas of life awaiting me.  The possibilities are endless and for that, I am truly pumped.  I may be scared of that fact, but I am also somewhat excited...I mean, as much as I can be at this point.  If you do have the decency and balls to call, I'm not scared to talk to you, I'm no coward, I'll answer.  And this I promise to you: you won't have to use your husband's phone (or someone else's) to get me to accept your call.  I'll answer.  Game on.

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