I call foul

There have been many occasions in which more than a few lovelies here and there have dodged getting a full-on "Abby Banker" style tongue lashing...if you know me, you know how my word vomit can tend to spew out and few wish to be covered in the remnants.  I can be nasty, I can be foul.  However, what I see as truly foul are the things that far too many a folk have deemed appropriate to question or say to a pregnant woman and/ or new mommy.  I have experienced them on both sides of that equation and while I find most of these questions morally reprehensible, I can now laugh at the word vomit others tend to spew out, thinking as acceptable behavior.  Folks, I am a new mommy here, 1 of I'm sure at least 23,986,092.4551 others in the world right now too and well, I think I speak for us all when I say that some days we are just happy to visit the facilities solo and without little bits of love accompanying/ screaming for us because I don't know we may have had a brief breech in our 100% attention all day everyday contract for 2.5 seconds or something, let alone deal with your stupidity.  We are in a real-world game of "Survivor" here and I assure you, when you spill a little bit of your word spew out, we will outwit, outlast, and outplay your idiocy to the fullest (and to the finest, I might add).  While I pride myself on being able to talk to anyone at anytime and anywhere, some of these comments were out of line, below the belt, none of your business, over the boundaries, accusatory, judgmental, condescending, out of my comfort zone (which is saying a lot, I might add...few things put me there), or were just simply at the wrong time.

Thus, here's to you, you repeat offenders you, I'm calling out your comments for others to enjoy and have included my responses when these comments/ questions have been made.  While we are laughing at your expense, I might reiterate that I do call FOUL on Y-O-U, you, you, youuuu!

(These are for entertainment purposes only, are in no particular order, will not mention names, and...YES, the questions/ comments made by these friends are 100% true)

1)
DumbDumb #1: (looking at pregnant me) "WOW!  I CANNOT believe how absolutely HUGE you're getting!"
Abby: "Yeah well, I'm 5 months pregnant...what's YOUR excuse?"

2)
DumbDumb #2: "Are you breastfeeding?" (normal question, but it's what came next that was foul)
Abby: "Uhhh yes."
DD1: "Good, because I didn't want to judge you that you're a bad mother."
Abby: "Hmm, yeah okay, thanks.  I see you're still with the cigs, huh?"

3)
DumbDumb #3:  (looking at Jack): "Wow.  We definitely cannot question who HIS father is?"
Abby: "this is too dumb for words.  You are literally too stupid to insult."

4)
DumbDumbs #45654.238 (starting from when Jack was 2 weeks old): "Is he sleeping through the night yet?"
Abby: "um, no...he's 2 weeks old...AND he's breastfed, I expect it to take us some time."
DDs: "Well, mine slept through the night upon birth..in fact, he's still sleeping now" (or something equally as idiotic and stupid to make me deem her Mother of the Century)
Abby: "Well then, since you are Wonder Woman and Mommy of the year, why don't you come on over to my house, Miss Baby Whisperer, and doing your thing/ whisper my child to sleep while I take a nap and then promptly punch you in the face so you're clear where we stand, sicko?"

5)
DumbDumb #5: "Oh my gosh, how old is he?!!?"
Abby: "Almost 3 months"
DD: "He's just so tiny.  I would've guessed just a few weeks for sure...just itty-bitty (all accusatory and judgmental and such).  Why's he so small??"
Abby: "Well, you're just so not tiny.  I would've guessed I needed to call ahead to the supermarket and reserve my food.  What's your story?  Let's exchange our backstories over tea and crumpets sometime and while you're busy being not slim, you can relive your journey from here to there with a complete stranger!  Sound good or no?"
**Sidenote: I do admit that I was a bit harsh, but at this juncture in time, I had heard that everywhere I went and was just so. so. over it.  She was saying it like I was a bad mother and well, sorry to one of my most recent foes...but, you had it coming.

6)
DumbDumb #6: "I'm just so stressed because of you not being here.  We all are.  It sucks.  It's really tough and this is your job, you need to be here...your sub is not the employee, you are" and so on.
(did I mention I was only 3 weeks in on my maternity leave?  AND, would've LOST my short-term disability that we so heavily relied on had I even stepped foot in my school for anything lesson/ work related?)
Abby: my response?  THIS post.

7) 
DumbDumb #7: (at my house, 4 days before giving birth) "You're an amazing teacher.  You've done amazing things with our kids and our scores and built great relationships and get the kids excited about learning..." (went on and on...yadi, yada)
Abby: "wow!  Thanks!"
DD: "But I'm pink-slipping you"
Abby: "EXCUSE ME?!?  Did I miss something???  Go through that review and tell me one reason WHY?"
DD: "Well, you know...for budgeting.  Thanks for having me in YOUR house" (leaves.  Coward.)
Abby: my response?  Again, THIS post.  Followed by, being happy, happy, happy (say that in Phil Robertson voice, please) at an AMAZING school and realizing this all happened for a reason.  In fact, I may actually owe HIM something because I didn't want to be at HIS school in the first place (Do not be mistaken, I loved, loved, loved my kids, but I knew of HIS reputation and lived up to that bad rap in every sense of the word and more)...and well (and most importantly) because I'm now with a boss I actually respect...and have from the word, "Go" (the same MOST definitely cannot be said for the Cowardly Lion in the convo up there.  But still...4 days before giving birth and with high blood pressure?  And in my own home?  Wow.  I digress, I digress.  His day will come and he will have to face his actions).

8)
DumbDumb #8: TOUCHED MY CHILD IN WAL-MART!
Abby: "Excuse me.  How would you like it if I felt you up just a little bit?  Oh you wouldn't because I don't know, I'm a stranger?!?  Then get your hands off MY child.  I don't know where you come from or who you think you are, but THAT is totally unacceptable"

9)
DumbDumb #9: "You're drinking Ale-8?!?  Um, caffeine, much?!?"
Abby: "Well, Sergeant Caffeinator, not that it's ANY of YOUR concern what I put into MY body, but I researched this and there's less caffeine in Ale-8 than most soft drinks. Yeah, like almost 1/7 of what's in that ONE cup of coffee that YOU'RE drinking. Get YOURSELF collected and call me in the morning.  Thanks."

10)
DumbDumb #10: "Whoa! Are you sure there's not two in there?!?"
Abby: "Come a little closer so I can punch you in the face.  Thanks.  Are you sure there's not two pigs attached to your ass?"

11)
DumbDumb #11: "How are you feeling?"
Abby: while this is NOT a degrading question, I do feel that it is a bit robotic and redundant and after answering it 345972-0943 times, I had a robotic answer.  Bu seriously, did he/ she on each occasion want me to go through the entire low-down as follows...?
"Well, I haven't $h!t in a week. I pee like a racehorse roughly 27.56 times more often than I used to.  I haven't seen my feet in months, shaving my legs is a thing of the past. I'm sweating like a pig and am fat as a cow; in fact, I feel like a not so delightful combo of a beached manatee in heat and a sloth in the rainforest. My son is boxing my insides out (LOVED that feeling, though!) and I am jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.   I'm hotter than Satan's wife in a fit of fire burning passion.  I eat my weight in cereal daily, and I have heartburn that would bring down the Berlin wall. How are YOU feeling now?  Better now that you know what's up with me?"

12)
DumbDumb #12: "Are you excited?"
Abby: "Um no, we didn't try for a year or anything.  I'm thinking of throwing myself off a bridge." (Pause for look of horror).
"Don't worry, I'm only joking.  But to answer your question...No. I'm not excited at all, you dumbdumb nunnamaker.  That's why dad named you Joe Dirt." (look of puzzlement).
"Seriously Newton, Don't ask dumb questions.  Of course I'm excited, but you shouldn't write checks your butt can't cash.  Write that down."

13)
DumbDumb #13: "I know this girl who lost her baby...(it was my sister-in-law's brother's fiance's baby cousin, Tracy,  or something equally as fantastic) at such and such weeks"
Abby: "Wow, I feel so much better now knowing that.  I don't know how I slept at night without you sharing that information.  If you don't mind, I'll go pull all my hairs out in anxiety while simultaneously crying and worrying my eyes out now, thanks."

14)
DumbDumb #14: "Get all the sleep you can now...because you WON'T be when he comes!"
Abby: "Wow, excellent observation.  In all the history of all the pregnant women in all the land, I've never heard that!  Are you sure it won't be one big slumber party?!"