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Friday, July 20, 2012

reassessing...

As I sit here on this gray and gloomy Friday, I can't help but think of the many blessings in my life and how incredibly lucky I am.  My adorable son is squealing with delight as he admires the sight of the "baby in the mirror" while he "works-out" in his gym.  Normally, on a day like today, my "tanorexic" self would be down in the dumps about the lack of sun exposure...yet the new mommy me is secretly grateful because it gives me an excuse to play and snuggle with my babe all day long.  There's absolutely nowhere else I'd rather be and I wish I could stay doing this FOREVER.  This tiny tot is insatiable.  He is extraordinary.  He is beyond amazing... and trust me, he most definitely thinks the reflection of himself is quite the sight for sore eyes too.  It's hilarious!  He gives himself "the eyes" and I can't help but laugh at his laughs and delight.  In all actuality, his presence takes my breath away and I wonder, how did I get so lucky to be his mommy?  What did I do to deserve this exquisite gift of life?  I've never loved 13 pounds so much and I have to be the most blessed person on the face of our earth!
having a pow-wow with Harvey

Truth be told, these feelings of today's reflections have finally resurfaced and oh how I welcome their return!  It's not that they haven't been there or flown the coop, they most definitely have been with me, but shamefully (and admittedly), I've spent the past 11 days since my last post feeling sorry for myself and tremendously apathetic about the unsure future lying ahead.  I've never been so unclear about what is to come next and it's suffocating, defeating, and all encompassing.  Sadly, these negative feelings have almost consumed my every thought like a nightmare that won't end.  They're inexplicable and I cannot escape them. I still have no job and seemingly no prospects on the horizon.  What's worse is, now I can't help but endlessly worry about continuing to be able to provide everything this little life needs, deserves, and depends on me for.  He deserves all that is good and wonderful in the world and while my capacity to love has only increased infinitely since his conception and eventual birth, our source of financial security and comfort is slowly (but surely) dissipating.  Yes, Brad has a wonderful job, but it is not completely enough to be the sole support of our precious family of 3.  Time is winding down and life as we once knew it seems to be slipping away.  I've had some glimmers of hope that led to dead ends, and now I'm having to consider other alternatives because I have to have a job.  Where do we go from here?  What do we do?

I'll tell you what we do, I will continue to keep my feelings of gratitude and blessings in my heart and always at the forefront of my mind as they are the fuel that power my days and keep me going.  Feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere but negative town and Jack deserves a Mommy at her best 24/7.  Things could be worse and I will be grateful for what we do have: each other AND a perfectly healthy, beautifully awe-inspiring, growing, delightful baby boy that's our breath of fresh air everyday.  Even if we have nothing else, we have him.  Even if I do not currently have a job, I have a son and HE gives me the best job in the world...MOM.   So I'm going to live for the blessings that I have in him and in my supportive, faithful, inspiring, and loving husband.  I'm going to count these blessings and give thanks to our almighty God each and every day for the things He has given me and he has given us.  Even while everything may not be going the way we intended, they are going the way God intended.  And while I may not be sure of His reasoning and His plans for me, I take comfort in knowing that there is a purpose and things will work out some way, some how.  In the meantime, I thank everyone for your continued support and well wishes (you're so amazing!), but I do also ask for your prayers for us.  I ask for your prayers for us: in continuing to find strength, in keeping consistent faith, in me finding a job, in having comfort and being at peace with His plans, and continuing to summon courage even when the going gets tough and all hope feels lost.
at Cheeks and Katie's wedding 7.13.12

Here are some pics that have had me counting my blessings:
Raise your hand if you love Mommy!

assessing the situation.  His slippers from Aunt Katie finally fit!

ALWAYS chewing on those fingers!
yup, wedding #2 of that weekend and we wore the same outfits...HA!  I guess I'm a new woman because I usually would not agree to such "absurdity"...tee-hee
Cousin Shawnee made him a hat at Vacation Bible School

straight chillin' watchin' some cartoons :) He looooooooves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

look who's sitting up like a big boy in his high chair! And he has to be strapped in because 1) it's attached to our oh so very high barstool, and B) because our strong boy is constantly trying to lean forward and sit up even more...goofball!

my boys - they're two of a kind ("workin' on a full house") :)

is he not a man already?  Geez!  Oh and he also loves "Wheel of Fortune"

he LOVES his Papaw!  Mamaw sent us this pic as we were away at a wedding and our first overnight away

soooooo happy Mommy and Daddy were back after our overnight trip!

always a chipper chipmunk!
My rock!
he's got the nudey booty!

impromptu photo session - I couldn't resist!
hanging out with my fabulous friend, Christie, Jack's BFF Holden's mommy...love, love, loooooove her!
a rainy day equals a snuggly day with Mommy...and Jack in his dinosaur slippers!
FINALLY a date night...an OVERNIGHT date night AND, the first of TWO date nights that weekend!!!  Woooo hooo!!!  Look out world, THIS Mommy and Daddy are back in action!
reassessing the slipper situation
reunited with an old friend from college - Kliney...he's magnificent!!!
we had a fabulous time at Peach and Laura's wedding, but we could not wait to get home to our little man!
 

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