Friday, February 15, 2013

la guerison (the healing...)

People may say despicable, deplorable things about the ineptitude of feeling "real" grief because we "merely" miscarried a young "hardly considerable baby" (others' words, not mine) in the early fetal stages, but I see those things as just that: despicable and deplorable. Beyond that.  Hateful.  Who are YOU and who are THEY to preach grief to me? Unbeknownst and unimportant to others in any capacity, I HAVE been through much grief for a variety of reasons and through death in my life, but this is a different grief than I have ever known or experienced. Again, not that it needs or needed to be said for any reason because, since when is justification a prerequisite for grief?!?  Grief is just that...grief.  It is raw.  It is gut-wrenching, soul-churning, and most importantly, it is REAL.  I find myself questioning daily still two weeks later, "WHY?!?" over and over and over again like a broken record spinning repeatedly and incessantly as I sometimes struggle to catch my breath, let alone muster the energy to get out of bed and face the world on my bad days. Furthermore, WHY was I given this absolutely, overwhelmingly incredible SURPRISE blessing and the opportunity to experience feeling beyond exasperatingly exuberant elation to then have those feelings ripped away raw and in such a way that it stung not once, not even twice, but in three separate blows?!?  (Feeling/ learning of the miscarriage and then it being ectopic, followed by 2 emergency surgeries and an extended hospital stay). Is this a test for the weak or a test for the strong?  I know I am strong, but strong enough for this?  I've said it before and it must be reiterated again...being a mother is truly the one thing I've ever known with absolute certainty that I've wanted to be.  My entire life, that fact alone has never been a question up for debate.  Thus, knowing my personal strength, the healing process began as a coinciding pathway with our grief.

I think it goes without saying that after an extreme heartbreak or catastrophic incident to a psyche, a toll is taken on the human soul and it takes immense time to collect all the broken, shattered pieces and mend them back together like a tattered memory quilt; it's not a stiff and bright and new quilt, but it's a worn and jagged (but soft) remnant of collected events that represent the shape of a family and the shape of forever impacted and worked souls.  The Thomases...our little family of 3.  We are slowly, but surely piecing back together the pieces of our broken hearts and are on the road towards healing.  We were lost for a bit and were having a rough go of getting back to that place of an unaimless wander, but, we are on the path (whatever or wherever that may be under any definition) and are moving forward through positivism to happy days once again.

It hasn't been easy...goodness how our hearts have ached, but truth be told, our strength continues to lay firmly grounded within one tiny, little 20lb ball of sunshine that is our very own heaven on earth.  In every literal sense of that term - he is our angel.  Without a shadow of a doubt, I am certain of the magnitude of his being and his reason for being ours.  His presence is a life-force to be reckoned with because goodness knows, every fiber of our beings is under the power of his spell.  He may stand a mere 2 3/4 ft tall, but he has a smile that lights up our hearts, lives, and reinvests infinite positive energy into our struggling hearts and minds with a magnificent, gigantically powerful force so that we are able to piece together minutes that transcend into hours and hours that become days and days that become weeks.  Because of him, we are living and because of him, time is moving forward.  And as that time moves forward, our hearts and minds are healing.  Jack Thomas is an angel and Jack Thomas is our heaven on earth.  He was put here with us for a reason and now more than ever, as if we didn't enough before, we are counting our blessings, good fortune, and gift from God that we have in Jack Robert Thomas.  Please do not be mistaken, I am not saying these things as some creepy "helicopter"/ stage parent overly obsessed and overly involved with her child, I am saying this as a parent who has experienced immense grief and has found strength that I thought I'd lost personally, resignating within my precious little boy.  He is the reason I am healing and he is the reason WE are healing.

The Thomas family of 3...we're gonna be alright and it's because of one little miracle who goes by the name of Jack.  Thank goodness for that precious little boy...goodness knows he is one dynamite kid.

Here are some pics that have been sunshine through our rain...


PHOTO SHOOT FOR PICS FOR HIS 1ST BIRTHDAY INVITATIONS...See any you think we should use or have any favorites?!?


AND I LOVE THIS ONE TOO!!!!  I want to use this or the one above or both on the invites!

that's OUR angel baby right there.  In every capacity and sense of the word, he is literally, OUR ANGEL. 

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