Terrifically Thomas: Worry...

CAUTION: May or may not cause anxiety overload

I'm a worrier...it's what I do.  About some things in life, that is. Some incredibly important, some incredibly unimportant. I cannot pinpoint if I've always been that way or not and where I went awry. I do know that there are many instances that come to mind that I approached quite recklessly and haphazardly, without one thought of the consequences - even here very recently. That in mind, I seriously am also quite certain that I took a hiatus from worrying in college or something because I was most definitely wild out and about, throwing away my lifelong dream to become a doctor. Or I just worried about stupid stuff like where I would be indulging myself that evening or what I would be wearing where or who the hell even knows what else I deemed worthy of a worry then. I was stupid and worryless, NOT worrisome! I did some pretty stupid shadoob in high school too, but hey...I was young. One thing is for sure, though, I have always wholeheartedly been an overanalyzer about practically everything. I am freakazoid of the overanalyzers and sometimes...okay most of time, that is no bueno for the ol' psyche. Once I get started, there's no turning back or talking me out of it either.  Here's the thing, though...I am NOT that way about everything but when I begin to worry, I do overanalyze every last detail, sometimes expressing those worries to the point of obsession, other times deeply internalizing them and giving off the impression to others that I do not care or I'm distracted and removed from it all. This too is true...I'm very distracted about many things, but what you must know is that this is something I am working on since it drives everyone around me crazy. Color it a coping mechanism, I suppose - or a preventative measure seems incredibly more accurate.

Truth be told, I think I'm some kind of freak of nature because it sounds like I am 100% Type A personality and while I like to be in control because I know if I want something done the right way (whatever my interpretation of that is), I do it myself...there's other things that I do not worry about AT ALL and would rather not have control of in the slightest bit or anything to do with it. I just assume not worry in the beginning and then I forget about t and there's no overanalyzing or worrying at all. Does that make sense? Probably not...I take full credit for being a weirdo. I am aware and I accept it. Take for instance, our bills: I do not worry about ANY of that, Brad takes care of all of our finances, yet if I've done some shopping, I immediately start regretting my purchases and feeling like I am dooming my family and leading us to poverty. I'm not, but that's what overanalyzers do.  Or if I know that at times we are cutting it close to our comfort zone, I will literally go into full freakout mode. Yet when shopping on Etsy? Absolutely NO worries whatsoever. Another case in point - starting my Master's: I was in no way worried about getting it or getting it done and most of it I feel to be busy work now that I'm well over halfway done, but I still bust my butt to ensure I get an A on each and every assignment, worrying about every single little mark off, if I get one because I'm so anal retentive about each and every part. Here's what's random though: I got a letter a ways back about having to have hours submitted for my Master's to the state board or my teaching certificate would be null and void...did I worry then? Nope, not one bit. B had to take care of it for me, getting me enrolled in classes, and even planning my courseload. Wow, I sound pathetic, there. There are some things I just feel comfortable in knowing they will work out. See? VERY, VERY INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT, but I didn't worry. I should have worried in that case, yet I did not. But I AM worrying about something right now. What am I worrying about at this very moment? Leaving my straightener on. Then, I start overanalyzing that it could burn out and there's other things I'd rather spend money on right now, and worst case scenario, our house could burn down. Also a worry that is always somewhere in my mind, my grammar. I want to make sure I get everything right, but I get to typing so fast and have so many thoughts whirring around that I'm trying to formulate into sentences, that I might make a mistake here or there. I AM also very worried about YOUR grammar. Stupid, yes I know...but it. drives. me. literally. insane. Like batshapoopie insane. Am I a looney tune?

I find myself doing the exact same thing with my child. I worry completely about so many things, and other things, I am so laid back. I didn't worry about him sleeping on his stomach in the slightest as I was confident it was what was and still remains to be best for him, but I worry about him sucking his thumb sometimes. Is it going to mess up his teeth? Or how will we get him to stop? I love that he's a self-soother and has just been delightful and always happy and I'm pretty sure it's because of the thumb sucking, but he can't do it the rest of his life and I certainly cannot cut off the tip of that thumb. Silly? This is something that'll naturally work itself out and I should remind myself of that, but I still worry about it. I certainly don't worry about him falling because that happens, kids fall; they get bruises and they have to deal with pain and learn lessons from those incidents. But I do worry about him being concussed and overanalyze the tiniest bruise on his head. Last night, he was stuck upon a shelf along the bottom of this leather armoire (and he was screaming and fit to be tied) we have in our living room and while B rushed to help him, I sat back, letting him problem solve and figure out a way on his own. See? No worries there. It happened again and he was able to figure it out on his own. Yes, toot...toot my horn. Well don't, it's the teacher in me...I KNOW wholeheartedly that kids need to make mistakes and problem solve on their own in order for them to learn.
Yet, we have been told by our doctor numerous times that Jack seems to be developmentally ahead of peers of his same age as far as interacting with people goes and other things (have YOU SEEN HOW HAPPY HE IS?!?), but last night I couldn't quit worrying about him not being a full-time walker yet. He's been stepping and standing since 10 months. I am cognizant that all babies develop differently; like snowflakes, no two are the same, but I can't help but compare him with the development I see of other children on Facebook. I think social media is the downfall for us overanalyzers. We are constantly analyzing things to see if we're keeping up with the flow, so to speak or if there is something I need to provide for my child that I am not. I really freak out, actually. He can walk clear across a room, stop and bend down to pick something up and stand up again, free stand, pivot, turn, go from sitting to standing without grabbing on to anything, but he's just not full-time walking and that worries me. He has the skills...he's just not utilizing them. Am I a freak for being worried about this? He turns 13 months next week. I also worried even more about his fear of some stuffed animals in his room. Stupid yes, but I overanalyzed this to the core of what it might mean for my child. Seriously... STUPID. Like, Brad Thomas can't be in a room with me stupid when I start worrying about THAT. I'm laughing now thinking of his look at me when I mentioned that this fact worried me. He was seriously OVER me at that point.

It's a Catch 22 on multiple levels, really. I am a mother, we worry - it's our job to constantly worry about the well being of our child but I absolutely cannot imagine my life before him. He makes everyday something great and something to live for and something to NOT worry about. When I get wrapped up in the worries of school as we approach testing time and my Master's classes as we approach finals and final project time, I just think of going home to him and my worries subside. Then, when I'm with him, other worries start to boil up within me as I overanalyze absolutely everything he does. Like should he be on full-time solids yet? Should he be eating with a fork and spoon or attempting it? Is he getting enough? Is he dehydrated? This one is silly because kid seriously pees plenty throughout the day, but he only has 2 bottles of milk (at bedtime and in the morning) and doesn't drink much throughout the day unless we make him. He is not interested in sippy cups in the slightest, but we're supposed to be off the bottle. I am worried about this. And the cycle begins. Rinse... repeat. Rinse...repeat.

Anxiety anyone? Anxious much? Sorry if I put you there...I tend to have that effect on people; I am just getting some things off my mind - it helps if I say these things out loud so I can realize how truly silly I am for being such a goofy worrier about trivial things. Somethings do deserve a worry thrown their way a time or two and I will try to be more cognizant of my categorizing of these things; weeding out the unimportant from the important. Thus, to do this, what I'm trying to do from here on out is focus on the laid-back side of myself. The laid-back side of myself that thinks so many other things are stupid to worry about; the laid-back side of myself that gets absolutely pissed off when people come on too strong in group assignments in class because THEY'RE worrying too much; the laid-back side of myself that wants nothing to do with paying our bills; the laid-back side of myself that enjoys every single day of sunshine packed, poolside livin' and loungin' in the summertime; the laid-back side of myself that never worried about a ride home back in college because it ALWAYS worked out; the laid-back side of myself that finds it okay to sometimes not wear makeup and live in my glasses (not contacts) for a week; the laid-back side of myself that makes copies for her students as she needs them, not a week in advance; the laid-back side of myself that typically speaks her mind without worrying about what someone will think of me because it's how I feel and my personal truth; the laid-back side of myself that lets my laundry pile up if it means a few more minutes with my boys; the laid-back side of myself that allows Jack's toys to stay out during nap-time because I know he'll get them right back out anyway when he wakes up; the laid-back side of myself that can wait until the deadline to get something done (I find that I actually work BETTER under the pressure...weird, yes, I know); the laid-back side of myself that can watch an entire season of a show on a rainy day; or the laid-back me that I become when playing and interacting with my child. He IS the most important thing and makes everything else in life and the worries I used to insanely and critically analyze, unimportant and trivial. And, he does not deserve a "helipcopter parent" who hovers over his every move, not allowing him to make mistakes or learn how to problem solve and go on his own road of adventures.  Meanwhile, his well-being will remain at the tip top of that worry list, but again, I will weed out the silly from the necessary and focus on being the best mommy possible because that's what he truly deserves. That's what my family deserves and that's what I deserve to do for myself.

Papaw has been working with him on his throwing technique - can you tell?!? Boy has got an arm!

Here's a non worry I had..he was playing with BOTH of these at the same time and had actually parked them by the blue couch so he could stand on both and reach what he wanted atop that couch. I didn't worry about him falling, I praised his problem solving and thought the entire sight was completely fascinating to watch unfold.