A year ago today...

...I wrote THIS POST.

It's absolutely CRAZY to me that this is where we are now...

My oh my how fast time has gone by.  In 5 short days our sweet baby boy will be ONE.  Holy moly...and my oh my what a difference a year makes!  I could not happier with where our path has led us and cannot wait to see where it takes us to over this next year with our terrific [now a] toddler Tootie Toots. 

La Douleur Exquise

I've come to realize recently that I have a bad habit of not always blogging about things of real substance. I've been a wee bit lost when it came to selecting topics for my posts...not always, but many a times that bell rang true. That is, until last Sunday. Last Sunday (Super Bowl Sunday, to be exact), my life and perspective upon life and blogging in general changed almost instantaneously...in the blink of an eye you could say. I have to admit, I really hesitated before I decided to write/ document so many intensively personal moments on my blog regarding the details of our most recent fate, but I do feel it is necessary to document the misgivings of our fresh heartache and how that has forever changed the dynamic of our family, right down to every raw and open wounded detail.

You see, I had a miscarriage. 

What a horrific word...what a horrific reality. To me, it's everything a gut wrenching, stomach churning, blanket tangling nightmare encompasses. Even now, that word [miscarriage] seems so surreal and I just assume not roll it off my tongue because then it must not be true. The word cuts like glass through my soul- like the serrated edge of a butcher's tool, leaving me with mere remnants of jagged shards of my well-being to cling to, sending shivers up and down my spine and throughout my frame. The pregnancy itself was a total surprise; not one in which we'd planned and tried and tried for in any way (like we did with Jack), but it was a very welcomed surprise. We were absolutely ELATED to say the least. We had just spread the news to family and a few close friends and were anxiously awaiting shouting the joyous news from the mountaintops and high-rise buildings alike when the timing was safe and the timing was right. Life took this unexpected turn, but it felt so incredibly right. We had even conjured up beautiful plans for the nursery and life beyond babyhood with our kids being super close in age the very best of friends. Dreams of the Thomas brothers or Thomas brother and sister up to bat back-to-back in the final innings of a baseball game didn't seem so far fetched. It was seriously going to be great and we couldn't believe the lucky hand that God had dealt to us. Everything was well...perfect. Until that damned Super Bowl Sunday. Suddenly, the melodic rhythm swirling through the background of our lives in a mellifluous harmony ceased to exist and all remnants of hopeful ideology shattered like pieces of broken glass. Our new reality was no mellifluous sound at all, it was nails down a chalkboard through the eternity of time. Our beautiful and happy-go-lucky dream was over even more quickly than it began and all other shining beacons of hope came shattering down like a crystal vase .atop a rumbling speaker at a rock concert


Let's get into the logistics of the matter before I offer up any more inspiration...however misguided my inspirations may be. I found out I was pregnant on January 18th. I was beyond exuberant to say the least. I had skipped my period and took a test, but B was walking in the door and I quickly glanced at it, thinking it was negative, and threw it in the trash so he wouldn't see because I knew he'd be freaked out. Later that weekend, I went to use that same powder room and saw the test creeping up out of the rim of the trash receptacle and for some reason, it was positively SCREAMING for me to grab it. Thus, I did and looked at it....TWO LINES...POSITIVE! I clenched my legs together and sprinted (it was a sight, I tell ya) upstairs to take another test and low and behold...POSITIVE! I brought it down to show my baffled hubby and we were overjoyed, yet incredibly anxious to say the least. Like whoa! We swung Jack around, dancing with joy, perma-grins plastered across our faces, proclaiming him to be the best big brother on the planet and then did the telling of our families thing as we could barely contain our excitement. I was already over 5 weeks when we found out, but waiting 3-5 more weeks to tell the rest of the world seemed absolutely UNBEARABLE. How could you hold in such FANTASTIC news?!? I mean, it was SO, SOOOO hard getting pregnant with Jack and then this kiddo?!? Well, it was no worries what so ever...it was just like, "POOF" here he/ she was! No effort, no nothing...just a dream come true! We couldn't believe it!  It was like, Bibbity, Bobbity, BAAAAABY!

HOWEVER, you need not forget, that most good things always come with a catch...well, at least for me they do. This excitement cannot go without saying either, that all the while, I kept having a random pain deep in my gut (well, my lower uterus to really give you the real gist of it) and I couldn't shake my mother's intuition that something was wrong...very wrong. These pains were sharp, they were intense, and they were persistent...nothing like I had with Jack. I had them constantly. I am no dummy, I am cognizant that every pregnancy is different, but this could not be defined as just a different feeling from a different pregnancy - it was simply no different matter, this was an alarming matter...something really just was not right. On Super Bowl Sunday, I started bleeding. Immediately, I knew what it was, but ever the realist, I tried a new train of thought and tried on optimism for size. All the while the nagging voice in my brain was screaming at me to wake up and face reality. I didn't listen, I dared to dream. I kept thinking, it wasn't a lot of blood so maybe it could be something else. In fact, I had practically convinced myself of it. I called the on-call doctor that night and he instructed me to be at the office the next day, he not seeming too terribly concerned either. All the while, I was floating on the USSAgony lifeboat atop the sea of anxiety and non-tranquility as I awaited for my appointment time to arrive. Sure enough, it crept upon us and my life forever changed - Low and behold, when she brought up the ultrasound, our nightmare became a reality like an earth shuddering jolt awakening us from the dream, our baby was not alive. And at that, they were fairly confident that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. What?!? Me?!? Certainly they had read that wrong! My baby...the one I had dreamed of my entire life was conceived and then died before I could even get to watch it swimming effortlessly and angelic like on the black screen?!? How could that be possible? How is this fair?!? I don't think I've ever squeezed Brad's hand harder as tears streamed down both of our faces. Our beautiful child was gone. Things after it were a blur. They took my blood to scan my hCG levels and sent me home with instructions to come back the next day because my doctor was not there at the present appointment.

Immediately upon seeing me the next day, my doctor was incredibly worried. Her nervousness was painted across her face and we could read it in her eyes. There was no time to waste. Without hesitation, she sent me over to the hospital for an EMERGENCY surgery. We had no time to plan, no time to think, no time to prepare...we were just whisked to an operating room to get the baby out of my tubes before they ruptured. All the while, the warning of losing my Fallopian tube(s) kept echoing in my head...after this surgery, children may not be a possibility EVER again. Wait...what? First my baby dies...and now I may not be able to have anymore children? I was a wreck. How was I to move on from this? Haven't we suffered enough with the loss of our child? Luckily, she did not see anything worrisome in my tubes and just did a typical D&C which is protocol for a miscarriage, but nooooo siree, we were not done yet. You see, that day was a Tuesday, so Brad and I took the next day off together so he could take care of me and we could begin to piece our shattered feelings back together. I had Thursday off as well to really heal and cope with the magnitude of what had taken place. Stupid me though, I thought I could go back to school on Friday and I did, but again, I just wasn't feeling right. Nothing could snap me out of my funk or bring back my baby like I so desperately wanted. I still was in quite a bit of pain which is atypical for me. I've had plenty of surgeries, numerous ones in my abdominal area alone, so I should be back to good at this point, but I still was hurting... A LOT. I usually handle pain pretty well and can go about my business as usual. Needless to say, it didn't help that my emotional state was very, very fragile. It must be said, though, I work with some truly beautiful and wonderful people who recognized that I did not need to be back at school yet given my delicate state and they covered my classroom so I could go home. Truth be told, that day is pretty much a blur anyway and I was so very grateful for them being in tune to my emotional and physical needs.
This now brings me to last night. I was feeling immense pain but took some medicine and went to bed. I awoke to a feeling like an elephant was sitting on my shoulders and was putting a knife through my lower abdomen. It was horrendous. I could not inhale deeply or catch my breath in general. Sitting was not comfortable, laying was not comfortable. Life in general was not comfortable. We knew what we had to do, so much to B's dismay, he drove me over to the hospital where they ran many tests and determined that I needed yet another surgery (D&C) to remove any remaining pregnancy remnants and ensure nothing was left in my tubes. It relieved a lot of the pressure I was left with after the first surgery and I am feeling much better physically, but emotionally, I have a long, long way to go.

I've spent the last few days locked in a horizon of a surreal haze. Miscarriage was something that happened to other people and something I read about, or heard about...it didn't happen to me...or so I so I naively thought. The most I have been able to do is curl up on the floor or my bed and try to make up for the sleep I lost worrying the nights before. I know facing others will be the hardest part - I'll have to face their stories, their faces riddled with pity, and the sadness that others carry for me which is gut-wrenching. After surgery on Tuesday, I unrealistically wished B and I could keep driving forever and ever so I wouldn't have to face the very same people that I had just excitedly shared joyous news with days before because I knew they'd be let down for me and with me. I appreciate the empathy of others, but knowing it is because I lost my baby is heartbreaking. Thus, what I have to say today is not for those others who have miscarried, but for those who have not and wonder how to help and what to say. In the smallest way, I can be a bit grateful for my miscarriage because I now know what to say to other woman who have to go through it. The pain of miscarriage is unspeakable, but the words of "comfort" people try to give can almost hurt worse. It is normal- expected, even -to want to comfort someone in pain.

So I felt and continue to feel bad hating some of the things that people said to make me feel better...
And you know what? Suddenly, I felt like a statistic who made mutated fetuses and I didn't want anymore "comfort". I just wanted and still just want to be pregnant again. I cannot tell you have much it meant to me this past week when someone would simply hug me and just say, "I'm sorry". Those two words gave me more comfort than any book full of statistics or medicinal jargon ever could. Yes, miscarriage is common, but I can now speak from personal experience when I tell you that you do not feel that way when you're going through it. Support is needed, but only the right kind of support is appreciated.


I have always felt as though writing has almost been a way for me to make it through many tough moments in life. For me initially the decision has mostly been a way for me to cope through this loss but also to help update all those who I know truly care for me and my family. We've come to know so many people over the years and to be honest, it’s just so tough for us to stay in constant communication with everyone individually, especially even more so after a loss like this. Though I admit I have been more than slightly concerned to have so many personal moments publicly visible for the world to see, I have come to realize that this miscarriage and all the events that have followed it are nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I almost feel as though it’s more important that I am willing to somehow express all the things that have happened not just for me, or for those I care about – but also for all those that may someday go through similar experiences. Maybe somehow I can help others that may be hurting so badly through the same type of loss I’ve experienced. I’m the one who’s experienced years of difficulties conceiving. I’m the one who’s now had two miscarriages. And I’m now the one who’s had 2 D&Cs – both of which were a result of this one miscarriage. And I'm the one who not only had a miscarriage, it was an ectopic miscarriage that caused my mind and body so much physical and mental turmoil that at one point, I just assumed crying all day was the appropriate solution to me feeling better.


--they told me miscarriage was common

--they told me it happened for a reason

--they told me that it was for my own good- something must of been wrong with the fetus

--they told me I'd get pregnant again

--they told me not to worry or be upset (which is quite unrealistic if you ask me)

--they told me it was God's plan

So to recap: 

Say: "I'm sorry"

Say: "I love you"

Say: "Here's a bag of Oreos and a chick flick that we'll watch together" and then hug me while I cry. 

And finally, always keep in mind that the mother (in this case, me) will ALWAYS remember the due date that never came to be...SEPTEMBER 20TH. And on that day, I'll remember the exquisite pain...

La Douleur Exquise. 

Reflecting...

My last day of being pregnant.  Wait, let me say that again...THIS IS MY LAST DAY BEING PREGNANT.  Wowza...those words, no matter how many times I utter them, just aren't completely sinking in!  It just seems so surreal.  Matter of fact, as this time tomorrow, we will be holding our sweet baby boy...after 9 months of waiting and waiting!  Holy cow!  I know I am not the first woman to give birth and I most definitely am not the last so I certainly do not feel like no one understands what this day feels like...BUT, I just wanted to take some time to reflect on the top ten BEST things about the past 9 months of pregnancy for me...

10) the surprise of it all - I seriously thought this would NEVER happen.  B and I had been trying for quite some time and I had almost given up hope.  It was such an unexpected thing to walk up to 2 lines on a pregnancy test sitting on our bathroom counter. I in NO way anticipated that result!

9) telling friends and family.  We had fun trying to come up with different and cute ways to tell those around us that we were expecting!  I think the cutest was my father...we told my parents on their anniversary and my mom understood the card before him, and the minute he realized what it said, he had tears in his eyes.  It was truly special.  Cathryn's reaction was pretty cute as well.  I loved waking her up with a note and her face when the realization hit.  We were so excited!

8) eating, eating, eating...Duh!  While I have NOT enjoyed the weight gain, I HAVE enjoyed having an excuse to eat more and give into cravings.  Albeit 40 gained pounds later (yes, I have come to terms with it), I'm probably rethinking several choices along the way now, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world because it helped pregnancy all that much more special for me.

7) the excitement of my students.  As soon as I told them, they all instantaneously became my little guardians, constantly making sure I was okay.  They even manned a countdown on our whiteboard and asked about how we wee feeling every other minute.  Kids really are so much fun and their excitement was contagious towards an already overly exuberant mommy-to-be :)

6) watching my tummy grow and grow.  While I did not want to wish away my pregnancy, I WAS dying to have a little baby bump.  It is something I had imagined for years and years, and then couldn't wait for it to happen.  Suddenly, around 12-13, out he popped and I finally had proof that Little Boo was in there!  Now, he is out and about and making his presence known for sure!

5) the ultrasounds.  Every single ultrasound was the best moment of my life.  There was nothing more special than seeing my precious son come to life on a screen.  It has been so exciting watching how the scans change from time to time and thus Jack getting bigger and bigger.

4)  the consideration of others.  Sounds silly, but people really are more considerate of you when you are pregnant.  It always about what's best for the baby and I love that people want to take such good care of our sweet son.

3) decorating Jack's nursery and focusing most purchases on little man!  I have loved painting things for his room and piecing together things for his nursery.  I have also loved devoting so much of my shopping to him.  It's NO secret to anyone that I LOVE clothes and have more than my fair share, so it's been nice knowing that I am in NO shape to buy things for myself, nor have I wanted to...it's been all about sweet Jackbaby!

2) the rich bond with others - especially my husband.  B and I have been together for a long, long time and thus, we've been through so, so, sooooo much and we've survived it.  Being pregnant has been something else to go through together and it has brought us all that much closer.  We know that Jack has to have a strong foundation for a relationship in his parents and I feel all that much closer to B now that we have created life together.  I see him differently and our bond has deepened and become more rich.  We are a team.  I have an ally in raising a child and I could not feel more blessed.

1) the bond with my son.  There are no words to adequately convey how much I love this child...already.  And I haven't even met him yet!  The most magical part of being pregnant has been feeling him inside me.  I have my partner-in-crime, my buddy, my companion, and my strength throughout this experience....and it's been even more special knowing we're in it together.  I am going to miss him in my stomach and feeling him jab, kick, roll, punch, and booty and head-butt me!  I have never...and I mean, absolutely NEVER not enjoyed his movements.  3-4a.m. or 4PM, I have loved every single movement, painful or not.  He's alive and he's inside me and I have gotten to feel the most mesmerizing and joy-inducing part of pregnancy!  Just thinking about it brings me to tears.

Oh boy, am I going to be an emotional mess tomorrow...I just cannot believe we FINALLY get to meet our son and can only imagine the sheer joy we are going to feel.  He is truly our blessing and a special gift from God that will enrich our lives FOREVER.

IF you are out and about tomorrow and have the time, we honestly would love for you to come and see us.  I promise you that you are not intruding or getting in the way.  B and I have discussed in depth about how Jackbaby is everybody's baby and we want him to meet everyone we can.  He's our little social butterfly :)  We also want everyone to share in our joy...so I mean it, come see us...we would LOVE to see you!  We will be at Central Baptist Hospital on Nicholasville Road.  The c-section is scheduled for 10:30a.m. tomorrow (Tues. 4/3) so come on by...we should be there until Thursday at the very least.

watch out world, here he comes!

Well, here we are...36 weeks, 3 days: a time I for sure knew was coming, but felt like would never get here!  We have a few updates about doctor's visits...we've had A TON over the past 2-3 weeks after my blood pressure issue came on, but we are so, so grateful to have been put in so many capable hands.  On Friday, B and I heard some of the most devastating news: that something was not "right" with our son.  We had an ultrasound and were soon told that our son may have a growth dysfunction...meaning, he wasn't growing any longer inside my womb. I shared those results last Friday here on the blog after it happened, but we went to a high-risk doctor for an ultrasound on Tuesday and to say we were surprised, is an understatement.  We went expecting to hear some more bad news (I even had mine and Jack's hospital bags and my pillows with me because we were certain I may be delivering THAT day!), but much to our excitement, we found that there is nothing wrong with our Little Boo at all!!!  The doctor and the ultrasound tech did their measurements and tests and it turns out that Jack is about 6 pounds!!!  They said that everything looks absolutely beautiful with our son...he is receiving adequate nutrition and blood supply from the umbilical cord and all his major organs are functioning flawlessly.  He could even see that Jack has a bunch of hair and that there was urine backed up in his kidneys...CRAZY!  The appointment could NOT have gone any better and we are so relieved and are feeling so, so blessed.

We went for another check-up today and all was well and wonderful for a bit...but with my gestational hypertension, I have to have an NST (non-stress test) with each and every visit which is where they hook up Jack and me to the fetal monitor.  During this, I got super hot and my anxiety started getting really high, so then Jack's heart rate went up, up, up which then made me even more anxious and my BP climbed higher yet again.  Thus, my doctor says that my BP will only get worse (not better) over the next couple of weeks and that could be incredibly detrimental to Jack and me, so we will still be having a c-section on Tuesday (April 3rd) at 10:30a.m. at Central Baptist Hospital.   We cannot wait to meet our sweet, sweet baby boy and if you're out and able, swing on by and meet him too...we'd love to have ya!  Watch out world, HERE. HE. COMES!

What's making me smile this week...

other than knowing I will meet my son in less than 7 days...

In the midst of the craziness that has become our life these days, B and I have found ourselves a bit stressed and a bit worrisome over the events that are soon to transpire.  Um, HELLO we are going to be parents at least 3 weeks sooner than we ever anticipated...ahhhhhhh!!!  Thus, I have to think, what am I REALLY stressed about?!?  Nothing.  And my worries?  They too should soon subside.  I know they most definitely will the moment I hold my sweet, sweet baby boy in my arms for the very first time.  Things are pretty serious and will be until we meet him...he IS the most important thing.

but in the meantime, we also have a few terrific things going on.  One, our son coming is terrific.  It's beyond terrific.  It's actually terrifically untoppable...BUT we also have a certain little game going on this Saturday.  The University of Kentucky has made it to the Final Four for the second year in a row and the Elite Eight for the 3rd year in a row...holy cow, we're back on top where we belong...where every UK fan has always known we stand...and where every UK fan has never given up hope to be.  It feels good and well, it feels right.  The only kink in this excitement is the fact that we have to play Louisville.  I have many a Louisville fan friends and this will undoubtedly anger them a bit, but I absolutely, wholeheartedly DETEST Louisville.  Seriously.  I cringe at the thought of playing against a team that many friends root for...I can just see it getting UGLY.  And heaven forbid if UK were to have an 'off' day and UofL pull off a surprise win, we'd probably have to move.  Louisville IS  a good team, and they are capable of great things...I'd just hate nothing more than to be the great thing they're capable of beating. I don't think I could stomach a loss to them.  So until the game happens, here are a few little things that have been making me smile...

And finally, here some pics of things at my school shower yesterday...

My teammates are so thoughtful and so are the other people that I'm blessed to work with.  Did you SEE my cake and did you SEE my cupcakes?!?  I love, love, loooooooove them!!!  So precious!  My teammate, Page, even arranged to have my preggo punch for me...ahhhhh!!!!  Remember me saying that's all I drank for weeks and weeks back at the beginning of my pregnancy?!?  It and Ale8 are the nectar of the gods.  Seriously.  I highly recommend trying it.  Tee-hee!

Now, off to the doctor we go...

Little Boo is coming...

...sooner than later, it seems!  We have a c-section scheduled for Tuesday, April 3rd at 10:30a.m. unless things look worse tomorrow at our high-risk ultrasound...which we are most definitely hoping is NOT the case.  What that means is they may find that Jack is in somewhat distress, or they see that I am low on amniotic fluid and he is not getting adequate nutrition from the umbilical cord...meaning, he is basically starving in there.  Yikes.  Let's hope that is not the case!  I keep thinking, what have I done wrong?  What could I have done to prevent this?  I so badly just want to help my child, and cannot help but feel fault in this matter.  No parent ever wants to hear that her child is suffering or something is wrong.  Needless to say, I left there a hysterical mess.  Thank goodness for my husband.  And thank goodness for my OB-GYN.  She is AMAZING to say the least.  We absolutely ADORE her...wholeheartedly!  Like, I am pretty sure she hung the moon.

The good news is that all his other tests on his breathing practice, lungs, heart, organ functioning were all perfect - he passed with flying colors!  Like I said before, our doctor is AMAZING.  She has been so supportive and encouraging through this entire experience, always having Little Boo's best interest at heart.  Upon seeing that he is quite small, she immediately began laying out steps to ensure his safety and health as well as mine.  In conjunction with low birth weight, I have gestational hypertension which just means that my body is basically stressing out and causing my blood pressure to be all out of whack...never consistent.  I do not have preeclampsia which is a blessing, but it is still necessary that they get Jack out as soon as I am full-term because this stress and inconsistent BP could be even more detrimental to an already struggling, itty bitty little guy.  I am 36 weeks today, but they want to wait until I am 37 weeks which is next week!  It is crazy to think that our son will be here in 8 days from today...ahhhhh!!!  

Are we ready?!?  Well...that's debatable.  Most would say we have everything we need and I most definitely am NOT denying that fact, but there is still so much I feel I need to get done...my head is absolutely spinning!!!  To be honest, it's all little things and silly things and things you'd probably want to slap me and be like, "seriously Abby?!?"   I know, I know...I'm ridiculous.  Hey, at least I admit it :)

So...with THAT being said, I'm letting it all go and simply focusing on resting and the positive of this which is that our sweet baby boy will be here soon!  Very, very soon!  I am confident that we are doing what is best for him to ensure he is well and wonderful and we absolutely cannot wait to meet him!  I know the minute I hold him in my arms, all worries will subside and nothing else will matter except him in that moment and him for the rest of our lives.  I've said all along that he was our late Easter gift and it seems that now, he is simply our Easter gift...so beat THAT, Mr. Easter Bunny!  

   

I'm a worrier, it's what I do...

...and apparently sometimes for good reason.  Today, we went back to the doctor and had an ultrasound for growth monitoring of Little Boo.  Well, I've worried that this blood pressure issue could be affecting him and it seems that my worries were somewhat legit.  You see, Jack has only gained 2 ounces IN 3 WEEKS.  Yes folks, since my last ultrasound, Jack Robert Thomas has gained no weight.  He was already little then...went from being in the 19th percentile for weight all the way down to the 9th which is where a baby at 33 weeks should weigh, not a baby at almost 36. And NOT music to my ears.  This is quite a concern.  I too have gained NO weight in well over 7 weeks (I have actually LOST it).  While that is something I had wished for as I hated...no wait, detested seeing the scale creep up and up (sometimes more drastically than others), I certainly did not think it would affect my son.  Has it affected my son?  Let's be clear, I have NOT been dieting or watching what I eat...I'm pregnant, I eat everything and I eat all the time!  So has my high blood pressure been affecting him?  Why is he not gaining any weight??  I am freaking out!  It doesn't help that MY doctor is on vacation this week.

They ran several tests today on his breathing, his heart functioning, his movement, etc...and he passed all with flying colors (perfect score, actually), but he is just little.  Reeeeaaallly little.  The good news, is that my BP was actually perfect for the first time in weeks which just shows us that bed rest IS the best thing for us overall and it was the right decision/solution.  So good news there.  But how do I get Jackbaby to gain weight?!?  I go back Monday and then again for another ultrasound on Thursday, but they could be taking him on April 2nd or 3rd once I hit 37 weeks due to this low birth weight and high BP.  She said it could be better because they can monitor him and do so much more for him once he is outside of the womb.  No parent wants to hear that something isn't going as perfectly with your child as you had hoped.  I am just worried.  Really, really worried.      

Goodies for my students

I really wanted to do something sweet for my students because every year, they become a part of me...always leaving lasting impressions on my soul and footprints on my heart.  This year, these students are no exception to that...and to be honest, many of the kids I have need more love, attention, support, encouragement, and devotion than any other group I've ever had.  Being that many have been through more heartache and suffering in 9-10 years than I could ever imagine in my 28, I try to be a positive and loving influence every day they're at school.  Each day, I greet them at the door to our classroom and every afternoon, I stand by the door again to hug them goodbye and tell them that I hope they have a great night, that I cannot wait to see them the next day, and that I love them so much.  It breaks my heart to hear several of them tell me that I am the only person that tells them that "I love you" each day.  I even had one student tell me that that is why he continues to come to school.  :(  While many push my buttons on a daily basis and test my patience more often than not, I still love them endlessly and unconditionally.

Monday, I kind of had a feeling that once I got to the doctor, I'd be put on bed rest, but I didn't tell my students because I did not want them to worry, nor did I want to lay the "big kid" language of blood pressure and tests and such on them.  I now so wish I had been more open and honest about it prior to then, because I have been worried and upset ever since that they may be feeling like I abandoned them.  I so do not want them to think or feel that!  I figured on my last day (which was supposed to be April 13th), we'd have a party and say our "goodbyes"...errrrr, "I'll be seeing yous"  and leaving on a sad, but positive note...yet with this BP stuff, no such luck.

Therefore, I have been working on some goodies and ideas for my kids so we can stay connected.  I have been with them for over 28 weeks of school and 8 weeks is a long time to be away from those precious smiles, jokes, and strong bonds we have established so I want them to know that they are ALWAYS on my mind.  First, I got the large "campfire" size marshmallows and put them on lollipop sticks and then I dunked them in chocolate candy coating.  Next, I allowed the chocolate to harden and then covered each with a very light layer of sparkle gel frosting and rolled them in silver, white, and green shimmer sugar.  Finally, I wrapped the marshmallow treats in candy wrapping, tied them with a ribbon, and attached a note on a cardstock gift tag to each that said, 'Thank you for letting me have my Mommy!  Love, Baby Jack".

Here's the treat from Baby Jack

Simple, but I wanted something meaningful!

don't know why this won't rotate?!?

The students also needed something from ME, so I bought plastic Easter eggs and some cute cardstock and wrote in permanent marker on the outside of the egg: the student's name, I love you, and Love Mrs. T.  Inside the egg, I wrote a personalized message on the cardstock to the students, telling them what I already miss most.  Finally, I bought cute little stationery greeting cards at "Michael's" that were on sale for $0.30 (can YOU believe THAT?!?  30 cents??  BARGAIN!!!) and wrote my address on the front of the envelope and a stamp attached so they can mail me a letter, or reply back to the one I plan on sending them!

We also have 3-4 times a week Skype sessions planned so we can continue to communicate and stay in touch. Also, this will allow them to see Little Boo once he comes...they are SO excited for that...they've manned a countdown on my whiteboard since I first told them I was expecting! Today, I couldn't wait until this afternoon so I called my room and asked my sub to put me on speakerphone so I could wish them "Good Luck" on their MAP tests and tell them I love them and can't wait to see them.  They were so excited, it was precious!  Now, I get to surprise them this afternoon and I CANNOT wait!!!  YAAAAY!!!

35 week update

I am writing this post to you from HOME...during the middle of the day...and it's Thursday!  Ahhhhh!!! While being on bed rest is quite the stress inducing thought for me with my not having near enough sick days situation (see the post before this for explanation), I must admit: I am kind of enjoying that I'm partially fulfilling my dream of eventually becoming a stay at home mommy...which will most likely never happen so I'll relish in this while I can!  Hey, dare to dream, huh?!?  There really is so much I've needed to get done and have been freaking out about there not being enough time...so I do feel that my prayers have been answered on that note...BUT I must also admit that I DO already miss my students and interacting with other grown-ups during the day and I AM constantly worried about having sick days.  The whole situation is making me so anxious to meet little guy...I just cannot wait until he's here.  I know all worries will subside the minute I see his precious face and hold my tiny, sweet, angel baby in my arms.  He could come ANY day and be great, per the doctor so that is excellent news too!     

How far along: 35 weeks, 3 day

Size of our little Jackrabbit: a butternut squash!  

I'm not a fan of butternut squash, but I AM a fan of sweet Jackbaby growing, growing, growing!!!

OR...a "Crenshaw Melon" (WTF is THAT?!?)  Here's a pic...

Best moment of the week: MARCH MADNESS!!!  That is seriously ALL my father and I did this past weekend...watch basketball.  And... it was a BLAST!  B was out of town for his best friend's bachelor party (after our scare at the doctor on Thursday, he was saying he wasn't going to go, but there was NO way I was going to let him do that because I knew Jack and I were just fine) so I was put on lockdown (my modified bed rest) at Daddy Bob (BigBob - per Jack's name for him) and Mama Suz's.  Thus, I told my dad he was NOT allowed to work on Saturday and we had to spend the entire weekend watching every basketball game possible...which was EXACTLY what we did.  I loved every minute of extra time with my amazing fam! They took GREAT care of me and my mama made me some delicious food.  They're just the best and while I could NOT wait to see my Braddy Beawr, I still was quite sad leaving the fam on Sunday.  I really am so blessed to have such wonderful family who takes such excellent care of me and Baby Jack.

other notable moments:I lost 5 pounds from Thursday to Monday!  Hollllllerrrrr!  The only negative thing about that is, is that is symptomatic of my blood pressure issue because I've been so nauseas and haven't been eating much.

Another notable moment:
I was sitting in my chair at the front of my classroom and Jack was moving so much, my students could see it from their seats...it was awesome and we had so much fun watching him move!

Also (and FINALLY), UK is in the SWEET SIXTEEN!!!  We are still on top where we belong, people! Yes, we had to play my alma mater (WKU) in the first round, but there was NEVER a choice for me as to who to root for.  I spent almost 5 years at WKU and loved every minute (I seriously have the best memories of college), but I've lived in the Lexington area and been a fan of the Big Blue for over 28 years...my entire life.  I am all for WKU when they're playing anyone but UK and when it comes to being against UK, there is NO choice...C-A-T-S all the way!  Hopefully, this is OUR year to bring home title number 8!

worries/ anxieties: having enough days for my maternity leave.  As I've been saying, we have to use our sick days for maternity leave - we are not just given them...and if I do not have days, I have to take days without pay. Well, I only needed a few before I was put on bed rest...but now that I'm on bed rest, I need 28 more days. Gulp!  The good thing about teaching is that other teachers or school employees can donate to my sick bank, but I feel uncomfortable asking anyone because I do not want them to feel obligated. I am so, so, sooooo very, very grateful to those that have donated so far...I cannot tell you how very much it means to B and me!  It really helps my stressing mindset a whole lot!

Also, I've still got some details to work out in the nursery, but this is now a GREAT thing because it gives me something to do and devote my attention to with all my time off that I now have!

Symptoms: Now that I am home and resting, my swelling is much, MUCH less.  Other good news on the symptoms front: while my BP may be high, they are confident it is just from stress and NOT because of preeclampsia .  Thus, that is what prompted them to put me on bed rest and banned me from working (her exact words were NO way, NO how, NOT happening...eeek!) because Jack is doing phenomenally in here, but being that my high BP is stress induced, that could be extremely detrimental to his well being...which we obviously do not want. It's also a good thing because I need to relax and rest so I'm not fully confined to the bed or couch.  I can actually get out and have lunch or see a movie, I just cannot do anything that could be stressful or elevate my BP.  I asked about my two upcoming showers and she said I can go to both...YAY!

Apparently, I also have the telltale stride...the pregnant penguin waddle, per comments from many!  Bahahaha!  Wide load coming through!

Mood: While I may be stressed, I am in a FANTASTIC mood!  I have time to really enjoy this pregnancy and I am taking FULL advantage of it!  I'm actually going to make this bed rest my b*tch and totally dominate it!  bahahahahahaha!

Cravings/ aversions: my appetite is back to not really being there.  I have just been so nauseas that I am eating far less...but once I do start, I find it hard to stop...eeeek!  I have been instructed to really limit my sodium intake so I went yesterday and got me a bunch of fresh fruit and veggies to eat while I am home and now have time to fix something that is healthy.  I am also always craving buffalo wings and buffalo wing sauce and ALWAYS something sweet.  I've also been really craving Rally's fries for some reason which is obviously not good for restricting sodium intake.  The Rally's in Winchester has the best Ale8 in the world.  Seriously...I have absolutely NO idea what they do to it, but it is amazing!  The nectar of the gods. 

Sleep: last night was not great because I was up worrying, but other than that, I've been sleeping about 12 hours a night...at least!  Gotta get it in now while I can because I know that is about to change reeeeeaal quick.

What I miss/ am looking forward to: I miss being able to fit into my bathing suits because I would have laid out yesterday and today in the beautiful sunshine and warm weather we've been having...but I will NOT be putting the foulness that was once a good stomach in the line of vision for my neighbors.  They've probably suffered enough in their life without having to see fatty me out on our back patio!

I'm looking forward to seeing my students today...I really do miss them already and I do not want them to feel abandoned since I left so abruptly without an explanation or even a goodbye.  I made them a special treat with a note attached that said, "Thank you for letting me have my Mommy for a while!  Love, Baby Jack".  I also got them plastic Easter eggs and put a personalized message in each that tells that student specifically what I will miss most about him/her.  Then, I also addressed an envelope to them with a stamp so they can reply with a letter in the mail to me after I write one to them to stay in touch!

And finally, besides looking forward to meeting Sweet Baby Jack, I have 2 showers coming up in the meantime that I cannot wait to go to.  One is with my people at school (I know my amazing teammates have been working up something wonderful), and the other is being thrown by my sister-in-law and mother-in-law with all my college girlfriends.  Knowing Christi (my S-i-L - Jack's "Aunt Sis"), it will be amazing!

Movement: I can tell he's getting cramped in there because his movements are more of his feet/ knees poking out on one side, or his elbows up in my ribs and fingers on the other side.  He also sometimes gets so lopsided in there and I have a big hump on one side...it looks hilarious!  I also love that people can see him moving...it's pretty fun!

Milestones for little man: At about 18-20 inches long, Jackbaby should be weighing in close to 6 pounds!  He is still gaining weight and becoming rounder in appearance.  By the end of next week, he is considered full term and could come any day, healthily!  YAAAAY!  It just seems so surreal!  We absolutely CANNOT wait to meet him!  He should be head-down by now, but I know that he is not.  He wasn't on our 32 week check-up and this next should determine whether a c-section is needed or not.  I know he hasn't turned yet because his movements haven't changed.  Hiccups are also always on my middle left side...where they were when they determined he's wedged in there sideways...or, also known as breech.  I never feel him anywhere along the middle of abdomen - just on the two sides...like I was then.  So, no change thus far.  We will know for sure on Friday when we get to see Little Boo again via an ultrasound for growth monitoring!

Jack's skull isn't the only soft structure in his little body as most of his bones and cartilage are quite soft as well (they'll harden over the first few years of his life) - allowing for an easier journey as he squeezes through the birth canal...IF he goes that way...it's not looking like it will.  At this stage, bones are also not fused together yet which is why we have that preciously delicate soft spot on his little head.  By now, many of his systems are pretty mature, at least in baby terms - and just about ready for life on the outside.  Blood circulation, for instance, has been perfected and Jack's immune system has matured enough to protect him from infections outside the womb.  Other systems, however, still need a few finishing touches so we want to keep him cooking as long as possible!  One such example of a system still maturing is: digestion - which actually won't be fully mature until sometime after birth.  Why's that?  You may ask.  Well, inside his little gestational cocoon, Jack has relied on the umbilical cord for nutrition, meaning the digestive system - thought developed - hasn't been operational so he'll need the first year or two to bring this system up to speed.

Randomness: I got my legs shaved the other day!  But, parts of them are still hard to reach!  I definitely cannot paint my toenails and they are a sad, sad scene.  Guess a pedicure is in my near future!  I'm also getting down about a certain pair of womanly assets.  Not to get too graphic or offer TMI, but I have always been known to have a good set.  Well, they're not quite making the cut any longer and looking as great as they were before.  I guess that's my only downside of pregnancy because the rest has been lovely1  I have really enjoyed being pregnant and am so excited to finally meet the result of these looonnng months of waiting and waiting!

4-5 weeks until we meet our little guy!!!