Truth be told...

It's been quite a long time since I have written a blog post - 10 months to be exact.  I guess you could say I lost interest or did not feel inspired and nothing of substance came about.  In my mind, I've concluded that you could say that I've been reflecting- reflecting upon and growing in a life full of somethings, yet for a long while as of late, I deemed to be full of nothings- nothings you'd care to hear about at least.  I haven't felt worthy of or pointed in your attention.  Yet, as I was lying sleepless in bed, I kept feeling as if so many words needed to come out, like I was going to bust if I didn't get pen to paper and spill many of these thoughts that are swiftly circling through like a tropical typhoon.  I kept going over things about myself- things that sicken me, sending shudders through my frame, and chills to my bones.  Questions circled my brain like a conspiring hurricane of disdain and shame: Is THAT who I am?  Is THAT who I was?  Is THAT the character I wished to portray myself as in my first chapters of life and the memory I have tattooed of myself in so many minds?!?  And is it too late?  Suddenly, I am angry... all encompassing angry.  I am swollen with fury like lava beneath the opening of a volcano, threatening to erupt.  But who am I angry with?  Who am I fuming with fire like the thick bowels of hell for?

Me.

You see, things have changed drastically in my household over the course of a year and that has enabled me to do some serious analysis of who I am as an adult, as a parent, as a spouse, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sibling, as a colleague, as a citizen of mankind, and as a person in general- and to say that I am less than pleased with myself is a great deal more than a significant understatement.  I am not proud of myself in the least little bit.  I do not know what brought about this epiphany, but it has been a long overdue affair and has been a looonnngtime a-coming.  I just didn't know how to adequately convey my innermost thoughts and feelings in a way in which it'd be best understood.  I can proclaim, though, that becoming a parent has been a HUGE life altering experience for me and it has been an all encompassing one at that.  The minute that precious ball of baby boy was placed in my arms, a love I've never known washed over me and it suddenly became clear, I am responsible for a life other than my own.  And with that meant I am responsible for raising him to have exceptional character... the hardest job of all, as any parent can attest to. While many an outside stress were consuming me and altering my full comprehension of this gigantic feat then, I know now what wasn't glaringly obvious at that point: I have to be the best role model I can be...and it started years before his conception.  And with what I had to build off of from personal experiences and triumphs?  Yikes.  I have a less than stellar resume with that, to say the least.  

As with most to all women, motherhood came naturally and I caught on quick, but all the while, I kept feeling sick about who I was and the sickness never came to pass- like the omnipotent sequoia tree, it kept growing and growing, overshadowing all else around us and was a force to be reckoned with, protected by years of self-absorption and pride.  I was slinking back into a dark place within myself- a place I've seen many a time before.  I've always preached the good gospel and old proverbial adages and such to the masses of my students year after year: "Now now Jimmy, you treat others as you wish to be treated!  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you! Would you like it if Sally called YOU ugly?!?  Yadi, yada."  BUT...now that parenthood is thrown in the mix and life begins to imitate my working art of teaching, that conscience in the back of my mind is positively screaming with disdain in my eardrum: What if some other person treated MY sweet son in the way in which I had treated others in the past?  What if my "so-called" sweet son portrayed the often poor, self-absorbed, less than tolerant, better than others character I so carelessly and thoughtlessly exhibited?  What if a false sense of entitlement that I get so disgruntled with now came about from him? (ugh!)  What would I do then?  Guilt began taking over me like the current in an oceanic tide.  I was drifting out to sea atop the USSGuilt and no amount of self-loathing or self-deprecation was bringing me back...something had to change and that something was me- a holistic approach to healing mind, body, and soul, is what was to be on deck.  It started with me and it will end with me.

What you must know, is from the time I was very young, I can remember being called a leader, being called bright, charismatic, outspoken...and I truly cherished and relished in those praises. While confidence strengthening, reflecting now, I see it as a death sentence for poor character...for me, at least.  Don't get me wrong, those are marvelous accolades to receive over and over again at a any age that every parent should and would be proud to hear, but embarrassingly enough, I took them and molded myself into something and someone who disgustingly (and misguidedly) viewed herself as "better than others".  I was not to be deterred and I had to have the best and be the best at everything and if I was not, I was outwardly disgruntled, taking it out on others in the form of gossip and brutal, hateful, vengeful verbal assaults. With that, it must also be said that I've always taken being a role model lightly.  I was always called one so I just thought it was an entitlement and absolutely NEVER appreciated it for the compliment it inherently was.  I was more than full of myself.  I cherished being "cute" and "the center of attention" and a "tiny little thing" (body outgrew that one, yet took my mind years to catch up) and "funny" (others' words) and did my damnedest to fulfill those roles constantly.  I was an actress.  I put ridiculous expectations upon myself and because of that, created an ugly monster.  I am so ashamed to admit that I most definitely thought I was God's gift and many a folk had something to learn from me.  How was I going to do that?  By just being me, of course, and everyone else could catch on or catch my wrath.  And honestly, where did being popular, the party-girl, the outspoken beast, and the obnoxious entertainer who had to be "constantly on" get me different from anyone else?  Aside from a raunchy, bitter aftertaste in the minds of most?  No where!  Is it the most important thing now like it was then?  Oh my goodness, NO, NO, NO.

It's abhorrent, really.  There are no excuses even worthy of thought or mention and I am so dumbfounded and compunctuous with my misguided beliefs, aspirations, and actions. Who was I to dish out hatred and unkind revelations to others? Where did I get off treating others as if I was better than them, however injudicious I was?  Where did I get off believing and acting upon the ideology that I was the center of everyone's universe?  Where did I get off being so incrediblyself-absorbed?  While at the time I thought nothing inaccurate of myself, I see it now that I was so commiserable and so shortsighted... absolutely nothing like the character I reflect on and remember fondly in so, so many of my friends. I had so many beautiful, wonderful people and friends in my life and to you...all of you, you know who you are, I must apologize profusely.  I am so, so sorry for being an atrocious person and appalling friend.  I often blamed you for the dissipation of our friendship, but it is glaringly obvious that it was and it IS me. Me...ME...ME. While I didn't see it or recognize it then (or even just a few recent years ago) your exceptional character prevails most because you were still my friend, even though I didn't and haven't always reciprocated anything close to those same qualities.  Up until recent times and as of late, my often poor character is most likely what shines in your memory bank of me. Those thoughts of horrendous words and actions are tattooed on your brains and how I wish I could go back and change them altogether.  What I wouldn't give to have Will Smith's "flashy thing" from Men in Black to just erase that part of me from your minds...but reality is not that easy, actions speak louder than words and I must live with what and who I once was and work to be a much better version of myself here in the present and in the future.  My longing for a resurrection or building upon what's now a faltering and distant friendship with you depends on it, as does my son's well-being.

To all of you reading, once in my life or presently still, I must proclaim to you my sincerest, most obsequious apologies.  Whether I've said something ugly to you, belittled you, or treated you in a way in which I made you feel negatively in any capacity, I cannot say enough "I'm sorries" to adequately convey my feelings of ignominy and disgrace.  These malfeasances are inexcusable and I have been long deserving of your opprobrium.  Truth be told, I am legitimately humbled by these revelations and while I'm engaged with building admirable and favorable, upstanding character in my son, I must first be processing internally and exhibiting these traits myself.  I am constantly working to display a new form of confidence- a way that shows my son to be proud of yourself for who and what you are and for having a balance of humility, and noble, unapologetic qualities that strive to reflect and radiate good character.  Truly for the first time in my life, I am absolutely beyond honored and appreciative to be a role-model- it is a job I do NOT and refuse to take lightly.

15

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for the extraordinary outpouring of support and "go girl"s I received from people after my last post.  I know I was a bit...okay A LOT hostile, but it is because someone(s) screwed me over in. a. big. BIG. way.  I refuse to divulge names or private details to ANYONE in the sake of anonymity and discretion, but I did want those involved to hear my side of the story and how badly they made me feel.  And well, I'm not one to shut up about it, or anything for that matter when it comes to screwing someone over.  I feel better venting about things...do you ever feel that way? Sometimes, it's just nice to lay things out on the table and like I said, I'm over being fake and I'm over fake people. Thus, I spoke my personal truth but now we're moving on...Okay?!?  Everybody good?!?  Great!  Thank you again though, it's nice to know I have such caring and supportive readers!  

Beautiful Babe :)

Now, onto the purpose of this post which is the most important purpose of all...

My sweet not-so-little anymore angel baby TODDLER is now 15 months OLD!  Yes, WOWZA!  Like, I cannot believe that 15 months ago that big ol' set of lungs made his grand (and VERY loud) entrance into the world.  Into our world.  And my oh my what a ray of sunshine he is!  Seriously, the absolute JOY of our lives.  He is so happy, so charismatic, so full of life, and just so much fun.  I absolutely LOVE this stage...well, except for the walking and being into everything stuff.  Holy moly is he ever into everything and into CLIMBING.  Kid climbs everything and absolutely EVERYTHING is his business...or so he thinks. Nothing is off limits to him.  And he is one determined little booger.  

Thumbsucker M.D.

Anyway, this isn't going to be one of those long monthly posts like I previously did before he turned 1...I just wanted to update you on some things Jack Thomas.  He went to the doctor today and well, his stats...

WEIGHT: 23lbs (25th%)

HEIGHT: 32 1/2" (85th%) *while he may still be skinny, he's grown over 2" since his first birthday!
HEAD: 48 1/2" (85th%)

Story of our lives...well, his life - he's long and lean, per usual!  They kept talking about how long his legs are, which of course we've always known...just like his Daddy's.  He was also the usual clown/ social butterfly of the doctor's office, showing off all his tricks and even handing out kisses and hugs...even to the nurse who had just given him two shots!  Such a lover.  Love my little social lovebuggerfly :)

sweet, sweet baby blue eyes :)

He wears all 12 and 12-18 month clothes.  Boy's feet are growing like a weed, though...I swear we went from a 3 to 5 and beyond in like a few weeks.  He's had his first 'Melos (Jordans) for a while, but now he has his own Sperry's, Nikes (AirMax, running shoes, and sandals), CHOOZE (click there to see them, they're awesome! He has the guitar ones - don't worry I didn't pay that hefty pricetag, I got them brand new with tags at a secondhand store for only $17.  Lucky me!), Chucks, Rainbow sandals, Wallabies (during winter, just like Daddy's), and Crocs for pool/ beach wear (a gift from NanNan and BigBob after their recent trip to Florida). 

FOOD: We are transitioning into full-time table food but he still gets at least one meal of baby food a day as we make the move. It's easier to give him that when we're on the go and especially at the pool.  His favorite table foods are green beans, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Reese's Puff's cereals, chicken nuggets, waffles, french fries, bananas, pizza, crackers, watermelon, baby crunchies and Puffs, and yogurt.  He's gotten not so big on breads like he used to be, so if we have hamburgers, I'll cut one up for him but not give the bun.  He basically tries anything and kid loves him some water!  Like, seriously.  It is INSANE.  

LOVES/ LIKES:

• climbing 
• sleeping with his fan on
• Reese's Puffs cereal
• Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal
• rubber ducks
• swinging
• mimicking sounds and words you make/ say
• playing "get you"
• playing/ being outside
• his bouncing Tigger
• swinging at NanNan and BigBob's
• playing with his golf clubs
• singing/ jammin' while we eat dinner
• singing/ jammin' in the car
• talking and jib jabbering...NON-STOP (that, I'm afraid, he got from the Banker side...ha!)
• showing off his tricks (winking, kissing, giving "bear hugs", showing his tongue and nose, and telling us what Daddy says and what a lion says)
• drinking water
• being out and about amongst the people (he IS a people person!)
• playing with balls (kid has a GREAT arm)
• loving on people (so sweet!)
• dancing...like seriously LOVES it
• music
• watching Jeopardy for some strange reason?  That's like the only TV he watches...ha!
• taking baths
• seeing family: his NanNan, BigBob, Prissy, Shawnee, Mamaw, Papaw, JilliBean, Spence-a-roo, Aunt Sis, Uncle Joe, Aunt Beth, and Uncle Kody, etc.

WORDS: Mama/ Mommy; DadDad/ Daddy; NanNan; PopPop; Mam (Mamaw); Pap (Papaw); ball; yes; and his personal favorite: NO (of which he says to EVERYTHING...literally).

other notes/ tricks:
He's seriously such a little ball of constant energy and sweetness.  Jack can mimic much of what you say and do.  If I ask him to say something, he'll most definitely try, decipherable or not and he'll have full on conversations with you, complete with head movements.  He answers 'yes' or 'no' with correct head movements to coincide ("no" being his favorite) and always looks and answers to his name when addressed/ called.  He blows some serious tummy bubbles and will love and love and love on you.  If I ask him to go get me a duck, he'll go get me a duck.  If I ask him where his Chuggington Train is, he'll go straight to it.  If you tell him, "No" he'll stick out his bottom lip and it'll quiver so preciously...but don't worry, this Mama isn't swayed!  If we tell him it's time to go bye-bye, he'll wave and then head towards the door and walk straight to the car door and try to get in his seat; if we tell him it's night-night time, he'll climb right up the stairs and get ready for that ritual. He'll jump from the side of the pool to someone waiting to catch him and will let me hold his hands as he kicks in the pool.  He seems to be ALWAYS exploring and learning which is fascinating to watch. We are working hard on all of the animal sounds and his body parts.  So far, we have the lion, what daddy says and where his eyes, tongue, and nose are.  He almost has down duck, cow, and dog sounds; as well as what Jackie's booty says.  :)  He is a creature of habit and you best not be breaking it!  He's very, very silly and loves that he is and that we recognize that.  All in all, our boy is growing and he's growing fast!  I cannot believe how lucky we are to have such a blessing for our family.  He is undoubtedly, the light of our lives.

What's coming up for us:

Jack's first trip to the BEACH!  (July 8th - 13th)

NanNan's 61st Birthday (July 14th)

Aunt Sis's 35th Birthday (July 25th)

Mommy and Daddy's 5th Wedding Anniversary (July 26th)

Uncle Roo's visit! (August 2013)

Daddy's 31st (August 5th)

Mamaw's 60th (August 13th)

NanNan and BigBob's 40th Wedding Anniversary (August 18th)

Cousin Ellen's Wedding in S.C. (August 17th-20th)

Aunt Beth's and Uncle Cheeks's birthdays (Sept. 10th)

"Gooooood morning, Mommmmmmy!!!!!"

his favorite pastime - throwing ALLLLL of his toys into the big pool

yup, you caught me, Mommy

I spy with my little eye...
"Oh haaaaaaiiiiii!"

the "wink" for Mamaw's good morning text

I wish I was always this happy about being up so early to start the day!

HAPPY DAY, MOMMY!!!!!

our little fishy, fishy 

Lazy...

...well, kinda.  We've actually been extremely busy, but now that June has arrived, time has slowed down a bit and the J-man and I have actually been able to just "be" which is delightful.  Some may deem us lazy, some may color us utterly sloth-like, but hey...we're loud, we're proud, and we're allowed.  Because you know what?  IT'S SUMMMMMMMMMMER!!!!!!  This past week has been nothing short of amazing and thus, Toots McGoots and I have been hittin' up the Banker Beach daily.  It's been GREAT!  It is incredibly different from last year where Jack would do this all day while at the pool...

This year?  Not so much.  Not even close, actually.  Like his father, Jackbaby is a creature of habit and thus, he awakes each morning at the same time he did during the schoolyear...7a.m.  It stinks because it's so early, but it's nice because we get to see Daddy off to work each morning and I get to watch the Today show which I love.  Then, around 10:30, we head over the pool and by the time we get there, it's Toots's naptime.  He sleeps, I lay out...he wakes up, has lunch, and then splishes and splashes in his little pool or the big pool or under the shade of one of the umbrellas in his pack n' play.  This kid is so "go with the flow" it's unbelievable!  He is my little sidekick and I am absolutely LOVING. EVERY. MINUTE. of this time off with him!  I know many a mothers who try and claim this, but I know it to be 100% true when I state that my kid is the bomb dot com.  

Who needs sunshine at the pool when I have it in the flesh with my little sidekick here?!?

Here's our daily getaway...

para, para, paradise

Jackie's little oasis.  He LOVES it in there because it is just his size :)

Jackie's other little play palace when he's "pooled out".  He LOVES watching all the action - whether it be Shawn, Shawn and his friends, Cathryn, or Cathryn and her friends, he is completely content in his little fortress of solitude there...well, as long as he has some Reese's cereal to much on :)

Morning photoshoots to Daddy and Mamaw!  Guess who is now the proud owner of 5 (working on his 6th) teeth?!?  Oh yes folks, our fella is growing up :)

Jackie Zoolander

Other activities we've encountered this week...